It’s not fair. It’s just not fair. I mean, seriously. It’s not fair. Okay. Give me my cheese to go with this whine. While you’re at it, throw in a pizza. A large one. With stuffed crust. And a lot of meat. If my mouth is full, I won’t be verbalizing my whining. Oh and my couch is falling apart so could I maybe get one of those too? Something to sit on while I’m actively not verbalizing my whining. And maybe something to prop my feet up on. Oh and a good movie. I like Westerns but not horror movies. But my television is a little small, so maybe a flat-screen television would ex-nay the whining?
These song parodies of well-known tunes made me laugh on a day where I don’t think much else could have. I have no idea who sings them or what the lyrics are, but they’re all about food or kitchen items.
Blue Suede Booze
Corn in the USA
Twist and Sprout
Fishstick on Your Collar
Hey Food
All You Need is Lunch
Cough Drops Keep Falling On My Head
Annie Get Your Gum
Don’t Go Baking My Tart
Pudding on the Ritz
Another One Bites the Crust
Baby I Need Your Oven
Wok On By
What Have I Done to Preserve This?
Stand By Your Pan
Keep the Home Fries Burning
Are you laughing yet? I mean, come on, how can you not? Even just for because?
A friend I haven’t talked to in something like six months sent me a text last night. He’s never been an exceptionally great conversationalist and conversing via text message is akin to having a nearly dead battery on your car. With each turn of the key, you think the motor is going to catch and you’ll go somewhere, but it never does.
However, I am polite. So I responded to his greeting and asked him what he’d been up to for the past however long it’s been. “Just dateing a girl and workin.” I cocked an eyebrow at the air around me. Did he seriously open up communications again just to tell me he was “dateing” someone?
I’m happy for him. Truly. He’s one of those types who is desperate for a relationship, and he’d been looking for one ever since before I’d known him. I’m glad he’s found one, and I hope it’s everything he ever dreamed it would be. But there’s a niggle of irritation that rises in me when a person elevates a relationship to such a high pedestal status that it becomes the only thing worth talking about and living for.
Unfortunately that niggle of irritation fueled my inner snarkiness which resulted in this text in response. “Wal, that’s good you’re dating a girl and not a guy. That’d be awkward.”
Yep, the conversation died shortly thereafter. I don’t think that’s what he was really expecting, but what else was I supposed to say? Congratulations? Buy condoms? Let’s grab a drink and celebrate this momentous occasion?
I get it, okay. I do. Relationships can be fun and rewarding. And when you find the right one, relationships are nothing short of amazing – at least 60% of the time. The other 40% of the time you’re angry they won’t throw their dirty socks in the laundry and can’t bother to notice the fact that you spit-shined the kitchen floor. But when you need someone to hold your hand, lift heavy appliances and pretend to listen to all your problems, someone is there. It’s nice.
My problem is when finding a relationship becomes the driving source of a person’s daily routine. And when a relationship does materialize, my problem persists when it becomes the central focus of a person’s life. They stop talking to all the friends they had before they started a relationship. They don’t make any decisions without first discussing it into the ground with the significant other. They rearrange their entire life, let go of their dreams, wait hand and foot on the one they’re currently connected to…these are extremes. I know that. Except that I’ve seen these extremes unfold in reality, making them seem far less extreme and much more…well…reality.
I’m happy for my friend though he’s probably more of an acquaintance now. I suspect the reason he stopped talking to me six months ago was because of the new development in his love life which is fine. Really. I could only handle so many dead car battery conversations anyway. But a part of me wonders if he was just looking so hard for a relationship that he took the first one that came along regardless of how it fit.
And a part of me wonders if eventually, some day, I’ll do the same thing. I’m a strong, independent person, and I don’t wander around looking for a relationship like some of the people I’ve known. But, the older I get, the more tired I get of having washing machines fall on my head, talking all of my own problems out and holding my own hand to get through the unpleasant things in life.
Yes, a part of me wonders if someday I’ll settle for happy enough and call it quits on searching for the fairy tale we were brought up believing.
Do your ideas ever just get so large they don’t fit in your head?
Do your dreams every grow so big you stagger around trying to figure out how to make them work?
Do you ever think, man, why isn’t the cheese section at the grocery store larger?
Last night, I accidentally* punched myself in the face with my boxing glove.
This morning, I woke up with blood-encrusted teeth…yum.
An hour ago, I discovered that I’ve had a credit card for five years. I didn’t know the account existed; I don’t even have the piece of plastic!
This is my life. My brilliant, wonderful, amazingly awe-inspiring life.
* Of COURSE it was an accident. That word is absolutely unessential, because who in their right mind would punch themselves in the face? Fine, so the jury is still out on whether my mind is fully functional and in the right place, but this is America. Innocent until proven guilty, baby!
